When the going gets tough, the tough get going?

Marriage. 
Oh man… In the almost 8 years Jon and I have been together, I have to say the 4 years (in January) that we’ve been married have been the most bitter sweet. Marriage is exciting, it’s fun, it’s rewarding and it’s beautiful. Marriage is also a full time commitment, hard work, being annoyed with each other, hurting each other’s feelings, saying things you don’t mean and wanting to walk away sometimes but you love them too much to be without them. Marriage is love. It’s joy. It’s tears. It’s never ending apologies, it’s accepting the other person in all of their mistakes and in their raw, true form. It’s watching them puke their guts up and not losing your attraction to them. It’s smelling their morning breath and still kissing them anyway. It’s having a stomach bug and figuring out that yes, your spouse does actually “do that” too. It’s watching your wife give birth to your children and while she’s in her most “unpretty” state  telling her how beautiful and strong she is. It’s discovering the true person they become when they lack sleep after being up all night with the kids, haven’t showered in days and smell like baby puke. It’s finding out how loyal they are during the tough times, during the times when your bank account is negative, during the times when the “honeymoon” is over. Marriage. It’s the ultimate sacrifice of ones selfish needs, the ultimate commitment…. Or so it should be. 

1 out of every 3 marriages these days end in divorce. 1 out of every 3. I’m not an expert on marriage, far from it actually but that number is terrifying. Let me just say before anyone gets offended who has been divorced… I completely understand in some situations, you either don’t have a choice in the matter or the marriage truly is a toxic situation, I won’t speak for those marriages. Here’s the thing though… The leading cause of divorce these days is “irreconcilable differences” that’s interesting to me… And sad. As if a marriage was supposed to be two people who agree with each other all the time, everyday, about every subject. As if a marriage isn’t just 2 imperfect people who are allowed to have their own ideas about things. 

Something I keep noticing, mainly on social media… How many people are leaving their spouse or considering leaving their spouse due to them just “not being happy anymore”… Their spouse no longer makes them happy. This one boils my blood more than anything I think. YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT SOLELY RESPOSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. Happiness must first start with you. In the selfish society we live in today with everyone’s sense of entitlement, “it’s all about me”, “what can he/she do for me”? “What can I get out of this”? “He/she isn’t making ME happy anymore so I better move on to someone who can, until I’m bored with them too”. Happiness comes from within yourself. Happiness is a choice; a choice that must first start with you. 

Marriage is not always happiness… Marriage is not black and white, there’s a whole lot of gray area in between. It’s the work you put into the marriage that builds an empire. Nowadays people want a quick fix, they don’t want to work for anything… It’s easier to try to find greener grass rather than water the grass you already have. 

My marriage hasn’t been perfect. Neither Jon nor myself are perfect people, we fail each other often, we make mistakes, we say things we don’t mean, we argue, we don’t always communicate well, we get bored and comforable, we get grumpy, we don’t always “chose our battles” wisely, our marriage often takes the punch when we are stressed out and need someone to blame… But our marriage is ours. It’s a commitment we made to one another, it’s a choice to love even when we don’t want to, it’s choosing happiness over anger, it’s constantly giving when sometimes we just want to take, it’s selflessness, it’s understanding it’s not all about you, it’s making each other laugh, it’s laying next to them at night not being able to imagine laying next to anyone else. It’s a covenant we made before God and a promise we made to each other to love fiercely and endlessly for better or for worse, to love each other through all the gray area’s when our marriage seems to hit a plateau. It’s saying “I’m sorry” a lot, it’s recognizing we are not perfect and it’s not ones job to cater to the other, it’s never walking in front of or behind but walking beside each other, it’s understanding it will never be perfect, It’s giving our marriage to God and putting him  first, it’s giving A LOT of grace… It’s having a partner and a best friend for life. Marriage can be beautiful and one of the most rewarding things in your life, if you allow it to be. 

The most beautiful and strongest trees in the world don’t ever grow overnight… They’re often the ones that take the most time ❤️

The meaning behind the semicolon(;)

Anxiety.

Maybe you’ve seen all this stuff floating around about the semicolon movement. Perhaps you don’t know what all the fuss is about over it… Maybe you think people drawing a semicolon on themselves or tattooing it on themselves is another ridiculous fad and you roll your eyes at the immaturity of it. Maybe you really don’t understand the significance.

There’s a movement that has been started that is shedding light on the severity and intense effects that living with anxiety disorder has on people. It’s called the “semicolon movement” this isn’t a fad, this isn’t some ridiculous thing that is meaningless and it’s certainly not immature. Anxiety disorder is very serious, yet so many who suffer with it, suffer in silence. Why you ask? Out of fear that it may show weakness.. As if someone who just feels completely consumed by fear and worry for reasons that they can’t even explain is a weak minded person or just a simple hypochondriac. This could not be the furthest thing from the truth. Anxiety is a disorder, it’s an imbalance and it’s not something someone can simply “turn off”. A panic attack or anxiety attack that strikes you so hard your body starts shaking uncontrollably, your heart is pounding out of your chest, sweat is pouring from your neck, your mouth goes dry, your hands go numb, your stomach is nauseous and you feel completely out of control of the feelings pouring out of you and the thoughts racing through your mind… These things are not made up, they are not weakness and they are not just your typical “being stressed out”… anxiety is all consuming. Everyone suffers from worry, doubt and fear. Everyone stresses out and may have random panic attacks every so often. That’s human nature. But not everyone suffers from true anxiety disorder and I think that’s important to point out. I think that’s why we’ve gotten to this place in our society where an anxious person is just another “worried” or “stressed” person. The truly anxiety-filled person has been grouped together with everyone else who just stresses out sometimes and worries about stuff occasionally. Thus, the severity of anxiety and its potential effects have been put on the back burner and have become something no one wants to help or be around. Our society has become so unbelievably selfish that instead of helping and supporting someone who desperately needs it people just decide they don’t want to be around the “negative” person. Let me be clear… Anxiety is NOT normal worry, it is NOT normal stress, it is NOT a choice and it is definitely NOT being a hypochondriac. It’s a constant fear, worry, questioning, uneasiness, being unsure, insecure, terrifying, lonely, completely consuming, sick, dark and drowning disorder. It’s life altering and to be honest it.really.freaking.sucks.

Not all anxiety is the same. It’s very personal to each who suffers from it. Everyone seems to have a different trigger.

I’ve never publicly shared my struggle, until now. I think it’s important to read for those who may not see an end in sight. It’s important to know that anxiety can be manageable and it can get better.

I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was 13 years old. It’s not something I’ve ever been to fond of sharing with people… it shows weakness, remember? Or so I thought. I’ve built friendships and relationships with people who never even knew I struggled with anxiety. I’ve dealt with full blown anxiety attacks by myself out of fear of the ones I loved thinking I was extremely psychotic. Anxiety gets into your head, it puts thoughts into your mind you never knew could exist and makes you feel ABSOLUTELY INSANE. You’re having all these thoughts and feelings and you’re scared, worried and nervous and you don’t even know why or how to stop it. You feel totally out of control of your own mind. It’s exhausting.

The person who has been with me through it all, my entire life is my angel of a mother. She’s been there since I was 13 years old and terrified to leave her side, terrified to be at school without her, terried I would lose her, terrified to go to sleep because I would be alone, terrified to be sick.

My trigger started as sickness.
Sounds crazy right?

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 13 years old. My mom was and is my very best friend. The most influential, incredible woman in my life and at 13 years old I was faced with the realization that I might lose her. I saw her when she got the phone call confirming cancer, I saw her sick, I saw her throwing her guts up from chemotherapy, I saw her lose her hair, I watched her lay in bed pale as a ghost, I saw her cry, I saw her sitting in that chair getting chemo pumped into her body, I saw her unable to eat anything but ice cream and root beer. I saw this strong, healthy, beautiful woman I had always known become fragile. If I was sick, my mom wasn’t supposed to take care of me because she couldn’t be around sickness. I took care of her, I made sure she was comfortable and I made sure she laughed and smiled, I laid in bed and cuddled with her. I begged her to take me out of school just so I could be with her every single day, I begged her to let me shave my head so she wasn’t alone wearing wigs and scarfs on her head. I begged her to be okay and to survive. On the inside, at 13 years old I was absolutely freaking terrified.

I’m not blaming my mothers cancer on causing me so much stress that it gave me anxiety, not at all. But I do know something changed in my brain during all of it. That’s a pretty tragic thing for a 13 year old little girl who was attached to her mama’s hip to go through. I started associating all sickness with cancer, I knew cancer could potentially mean death.. Meaning I began to associate all sickness to death. This is where I believe it started.

Since then, my mom has been by my side, helping me every step of the way. She would sleep with me when I was little so I could actually sleep, she would stay up all night with me watching tv just to calm my nerves. She would pace the room with me holding a cold washcloth on my neck until my anxiety attack would pass. She would speak encouragement into me when I felt so lost and confused. She would bring me back to earth, every single time… And she still does. My mom is the only one who has witnessed how truly ugly and raw it can be. She’s seen me at my worst. She understand my worst. I still to this day pick up the phone to call her when I feel an anxiety attack starting.. And just like she always has, she begins to speak life into me again. Her gentle voice, her kind words, her reassurance, her belief in me… It brings me back to earth every single time. When I feel like I belong in a mental home, she makes me feel sane again and I am so unbelievably thankful for that. My anxiety became more than sickness, it became everything. Everything made me anxious, everything would stress me out and feel out of control but as I got older I learned how to better deal with it and I learned how to control it. I stopped having attacks all the time and I wasn’t so consumed by it anymore. I learned how to talk myself down from it. I learned how to cope with it and how to handle it, I learned how to live with it.

At 25 years old, I still suffer from anxiety. Every single day. After Avery was born it came back strong, rearing its ugly head. I’ve since had to learn how to manage it again and how to put a lid on it. It’s cost me friendships with people who don’t truly understand it and it’s caused insecurity inside of me, anger and bitterness. It has affected my marriage at times… I’ve lashed out at my husband, I’ve blamed him, I’ve caused arguments and strife due to it. I’m so unbelievably blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally in all of my ways. Who hugs me and kisses me and accepts my apologies, who tells me I’m not crazy, who makes me feel safe, who doesn’t leave me, who takes the good with the bad, for better or for worse. God made him for me, made him capable of loving someone like me and I’m so blessed and thankful to have have him.

I used to question God’s reason for allowing me to suffer with anxiety, why he can’t just take it away from me, why I can’t seem to shake it. But then I discovered his purpose. God will allow us to fall to our knees so we have nowhere else to look to but up to him. I’ve prayed more, I’ve turned to God more now in my life than I ever have. I need him more now than I ever have, I trust him more now than I ever have. I find so much peace in prayer and knowing that with Jesus Christ, I will never suffer alone. Prayer covers a multitude of worries and fears and his purpose was to draw me closer to him. His purpose was to use this so that I may glorify him. I’ve never been closer in my relationship with the Lord than I am now.. And for that, I’m thankful.

Anxiety is real. It’s terrifying and it’s not talked about or supported the way it should be. Maybe if people would start to listen and start to help those who cry out for it rather than label them weak minded or just a hypochondriac, people could better conquer and defeat anxiety and depression.

That’s the point of the semicolon movement… A semicolon represents a place in a sentence where you could could choose to stop and put a period but instead you choose to keep going(;) you decide this is not how your story will end.

If you know someone who struggles with anxiety… Be a friend, be a support team, be a shoulder, listen and don’t run away from them when they need you the most. When everyone else runs from the “negative person” you be the one who stays. YOU will be the one who helps them and you will be the one they’ll remember❤️

Let’s talk reflux…

I’m just gonna start by saying… IT SUCKS!

It sucks for the baby, it sucks for the parents and it just really SUCKS in general.

I never dealt with reflux with Landon. He would spit up but it was always normal, he would fuss but it was always normal and he would wake up frequently but again, always normal. I never really imagined what it would be like to have a “high needs” baby.. that’s what they call it anyway. Let me just say, Avery doesn’t deal with mild reflux like most babies, hers is severe. At almost 5 months we are JUST now starting to see some relief in her level of discomfort from it but the vomiting?! That’s worse than ever. At just 2 weeks old Avery started projectile vomiting my breast milk, every single feeding. I blamed myself and my diet… there had to be something I was eating that caused this. I removed all dairy and most soy (all of it to my knowledge) almost 2 months later there was no change in her behavior except for it was worsening. Now she was not only vomiting, she was arching her back in pain and screaming to get off of my breast… so then we tried pumped breast milk in bottles.. no change. At this point she was losing weight significantly… almost 2 pounds she had lost. That’s when I decided to try formula. This was by far one of the hardest decisions I had to make, I beat myself up so much over it and I cried a lot. My breastfeeding journey with Landon ended so soon and I regretted it… I wanted nothing more than to successfully breastfeed Avery so I continued to pump while supplementing. We tried every formula on the shelf all the way up to prescription. Nothing was helping my baby. Discouragement hit me. Her pediatrician kept writing it off as some mild reflux and that her behavior was normal issues but I knew better. I’m NOT a first time mom and I know something is different with my baby! Nothing really irritates me more than when people act as if I don’t know what I’m talking about or doing when it comes to my kids. Sure, i’m not an expert… none of us really are but i’m also not a rookie. At this point advice starting pouring in from people about how to “fix” my baby, while I appreciated all the advice I really had tried everything possible at this point and really only wanted prayers. At her 4 month well check her pediatrician finally noticed what I had been saying the entire time. Avery’s weight pattern was continuing to fluctuate with really no gain and she threw up massive amounts of milk all over the floor. Then she decided it was time for an upper GI test. Her GI results came back showing severe acid reflux. We had already tried Zantac with her and it wasn’t making a difference so I was basically told we would just have to ride it out and let her grow out of it. While I do understand there are stronger medicines out there for reflux that I could give to her, I feel like we may be on the upper end of this battle. Her fussiness has gotten better and she doesn’t act like she is in pain while eating anymore. We’re still dealing with the throwing up but medicine wouldn’t fix that anyway. It’s been a really tough road for her and for us. Many hours of the day have been spent holding her and me crying the whole time with her. There have been several times i’ve had to lay her down and walk outside just to breathe and get some fresh air. There have been many nights i’ve hit my knees in prayer begging God to make her feel better and to help us get through this. I’ve prayed for healing for her and patience for me. It’s something that I would absolutely NEVER wish onto anybody. Not being able to “fix” your baby’s hurt is the most helpless and awful feeling in the world. We’re still fighting sleep issues because she wakes up throwing or coughing or gagging on the acid… then getting her back to sleep is not the easiest task. I know there is a lesson in this and God is teaching me patience in a way I didn’t know I was capable of. When this is all over with i’ll probably have the patience of Job! HA! Avery requires a side of mothering and nurturing from me that I never knew I had inside of me and sometimes the frustration of it weighs heavy on me and we sit and cry together. I know she will grow up and as she grows… this awful, horrible reflux will end. I’ll look back on it all and i’ll be thankful for what it taught me and for how much better, stronger and more patient of a mother it made me.

Love your babies, hold them, rock them, cry with them if you have to, hurt with them, kiss them, let them know you will always be there. They really are your biggest fan.

Will I ever sleep again?

Last night, just like every other night for the past 2 weeks or so both my (almost) 3 year old and my 5 month old (today) woke up at the same time ALL NIGHT LONG. Both of my little night owls thought it was time to get up and party I guess. In the midst of trying to bribe Landon to go back to sleep with a promise of ice cream the next day… Avery wakes up cooing and fussing in her bed. This was after she had only been asleep for about an hour and a half and after it taking a good hour and a half to even get her to bed. I put my head in my hands and asked myself “Will I ever get to sleep again?” Discouraged, I kissed Landon goodnight and told him it was bedtime, walked to my room and tended to Avery. She finally fell back asleep while I was feeding her. Afterwards I laid there tired, frustrated and curious as to why all of a sudden my children were plotting against me! Telling myself two kids were plenty and as much as I thought I wanted 3, MAYYBBEEE 2 will suffice! HA! When I finally fell back asleep, I was woken up about 2 hours later… again, by Avery. I knew what she wanted and she wasn’t going to let me get any rest until she got it. She wanted in our bed. I warned ya’ll about the sass in her birth story! HA! I put her in bed with us and to sleep we went. We all woke up this morning and just like every morning, the kids wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for the day… all well rested and acting like little angels. Meanwhile, mama over here comes dragging out of the bedroom looking like she was just run over by a train and maybe came back from the dead! Eyes all black and baggy, hair a mess all over my head, yawning, begging for coffee and smelling like baby puke from Avery spitting up on me while she was in bed with us. How do they do it? Stay up all night and wake up looking and feeling like they slept for days? Maybe because they suck all the energy out of their parents? So now I sit here, drinking my second cup of coffee, Avery is napping peacefully, Landon is watching Ice Age running around like a psycho and i’m struggling to stay awake. Of course, Landon just crawled up beside me gave me a kiss and said “Love you, Mommy” and with that, I forget a little bit about my long, exhausting night and I smile at how much I’m blessed.

A little introduction

Hey ya’ll! I just kind of wanted to give you a bit of a background on me. I’m Jessica, i’m 25, a mom of two wonderful children. My son, Landon who is almost 3 (In July) and my daughter, Avery who was born in December 2014. I’m married to my incredible husband, Jon whom I’ve been with since I was 17 years old. I stay home with our kids and literally my day is consumed by them. I don’t necessarily have time for a “hobby” but I do enjoy to write… What better to write about than my kids and my life as a mom, right? I don’t consider myself a “crunchy” mom, I suppose I would say I am a bit “semi-crunchy” I love all things related to motherhood. I’m an avid believer and activist for natural birth (but i’m not annoying about it, I promise) I will be starting courses next year to begin my journey into Midwifery and I could not be anymore excited! I believe in a mothers right to choose how she wants to give birth, no matter how that may be. I do not bash other mom’s for doing something differently than me. I’m a car seat safety activist, I’m pro breastfeeding, pro formula feeding, pro baby wearing, pro stroller use, pro cloth diapering and pro regular diapering. Basically, i’m pro PARENTING! I absolutely love being a mom and encouraging other mom’s who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have. I have strong beliefs on things but I try my best not to be hateful in those beliefs. Here, you will find posts about all of that and more. I keep it real. Enjoy!