The amount of criticism you will suddenly receive.
Ahhh yes, the “Mommy Wars”… We’ve heard them, we’ve fallen victim to them and chances are, we’ve probably started them ourselves at one point or another even if it was unintentional. There seems to be a couple different ways “mom wars” tend to take place. Some people fall in one catagory mostly, then there are some who kind of fit into all of them a little bit. Let me be clear before starting this… There’s a very fine line between being passionate about something and being judgmental about it. You can be passionate without being hateful and critical. You can be passionate without making another woman feel bad and you can be passionate but still be supportive of something different.
At 22 years old, I had my first child. Not only me but several of my friends were becoming first time mom’s as well. I truthfully feel like the war begins as soon as the test reads “pregnant”. The battle begins with who can gain the least amount of weight, who eats healthier, who follows all the “pregnancy rules”, who has the easiest pregnancy with no problems at all, who never gets sick and what kind of birth you will have (we’ll get to that one later) Before our baby is even earthside we are already placing a set of expectations on ourselves and our unborn child to be better than anyone else. Then after we have our children… the desire to be better really rears its ugly head.
Friendships sometimes get tested by having a baby at the same time as eachother… As sad as that is some will find themselves constantly in comparison with their friends’ babies and if not comparison than competition. Everyone’s baby is the most perfect baby to ever live, the most beautiful girl, the most handsome boy etc. the list goes on. As parents it’s normal to think your baby/child is the most absolute perfect one to ever exist. It’s okay to think those things about your kid. In fact, I personally would find it strange if a mom didn’t compliment her child in those ways. The thing is, every child is perfect! Perfect in their parents’ eyes and perfect in their own individual way! No one child will do everything at the same time and speed as another and that’s okay! Children are individuals just like we are. Some kids are better at some things than other’s, some kids are taller, some can talk better, some are more bratty than others, some are happier but they are all perfect! The problem starts when a mom makes another child seem inadequate to hers… a child should never be made to feel like they’re not as good as another. That’s petty and hateful. The only person you should ever compare your child to is themselves. So there’s that one.. the “my child is smarter, taller, better looking, happier, more advanced, weighs more, sleeps through the night, can say the whole alphabet” type of mom war. While being proud is COMPELTELY acceptable and of course you should be proud of your children, you should never use their accomplishments to make another child feel inadequate. Truthfully, from my own experience I have noticed this type wayyyy more among first time moms, myself included.
Now we move on to bigger more arguementative types of the wars. The battle of “The choices I make, make me a better mother than you if you do it differently”
Breastfeeding/Formula feeding, Co-sleeping/Crib sleeping, Cloth diapers/Disposable diapers, Baby wearing/Using a stroller, Working outside of the home/Stay at home moms, Pro-Vaccine/Anti-Vaccine, Circumcised/Intact, Organic food/Regular food, Medicinal/Homeopathic, Vaginal birth/Cesarean, Natural birth/Epidural… Okay, so here’s where i’ve been guilty. Remember that fine line between passionate and judgmental I was talking about? It took me a little while to find that line.. but I did. Here’s the thing.. yes, some of these things are scientifically proven to be better than the other but does that mean the mothers who do it the other way are not amazing, wonderful mothers who love their children unconditonally? Absolutely not. Some of these things are a “the better you know, the better you do” type situation and some things are a “the better you know, the better you TRY to do things but it just doesn’t work out” type situations. Sometimes a mother is uneducated about things so they don’t know better, as moms it’s our job to inform and educate them in a friendly, loving way rather than attack them and make them feel badly about themselves. Then there are some women who ARE informed and do know the “better” way but still choose to do it differently and that’s okay too! So long as it’s not endangering their child. What works for some may not work for another and it’s no one else’s job to determain that but the mother herself. This is the type that I, myself have fallen victim to and I’ve also been the one doing the judging. I’m not going into detail about all of the above debates, I think we probably all have heard them and know which side of the fence we personally stand on. To ridicule a woman’s character and the type of mother she is based off of which way she chooses to feed, sleep, clothe, raise or birth her child is despicable and spews hate.
As women, we need to encourage and empower one another daily! Constantly lift up each other and love each other. Being a mother is hard enough on it’s own without all the added pressure of someone judging and criticsizing you. We need to be a foundation for one another and a platform of supportive information for eachother. It’s okay to have a preference, it’s okay to do what works for your family, it’s okay to do it differently and it’s okay to be comfortable with your choices, as long as they’re educated ones that don’t compromise the safety of your child.
As someone who is pursuing a career as a Midwife I do have preferences when it comes to some of these things and I do try to push awareness and information so that others can be better educated on them as well. I do my best not to be hateful while discussing my beliefs, though i’m sure it doesn’t always come across that way and if not, i’m truly sorry. My main purpose for pursuing midwifery (aside from the obvious natural birth perspective) is to empower women, to lift women up during pregnancy, birth and motherhood, to earn their trust and to never violate that trust. To support them in the choices they make and never critisize them. That is my ultimate goal.
I hope for a future where women support instead of tear down, encourage instead of discourage, love instead of judge, show compassion instead of hate, lift each other up instead of compete and are joyful rather than making comparisons. The day that happens will be the day that we have an empire of strong, courageous women raising strong, courageous children that will go on and do the same for their kids. This is what we need. I hope one day the bashing and judgments will end but until then just keep doing what you feel is best and be the best mom you can be for your kids… Afterall, they’re not going to care about how they ate, how they slept, how they were born or how quickly they were walking and talking. They’re going to remember the amount of love and support they were given from their parents. That’s really what matters.
momoftwolittles 