Society and Motherhood

Driving to work this morning, a commercial on the radio caught my attention. It was a plastic surgery commercial. I’ll be the first to say, I have no issues with plastic surgery at all… My issue was with what they were advertising.

A “total mommy makeover”
…In that package included liposuction, a tummy tuck and breast lift/enlargement. All I could think in my head is “What in the world has our society come to, to make MOTHERS feel like their bodies are ruined and need repair after having children!” it absolutely disgusted me. I’ll be honest, I’ve wanted breast implants since I was probably 12 lol again, I see no issue with plastic surgery and if someone wants to take surgical measures to feel more confident with themselves then more power to them. But to place a set of expectations on women who have had children that their bodies need to be “fixed” after having kids sickens me. 

My body is not perfect, it never has been. I don’t fit the standard of “beauty” in today’s world at all and that’s okay. It took me MANY years to learn to love myself, it’s something I’m still trying to do everyday. Like most women, I gained a lot of weight after I had kids, my stomach is softer now, I have stretch marks, my skin isn’t as tight as it was and my hips are a whole lot wider. I will work on my body for my OWN self, I will find my OWN standard of beauty and feel confident in that. Not what society says is beautiful. When the time in my life comes where I’m ready to do that, I will do it for me. Not because someone says I have to, to be accepted. 

I spent many years hating myself for what I saw in the mirror and all that ended up doing for me was put me on medicine for depression and completely stole the joy from life. I refuse to raise my daughter to see herself as anything less than perfect just because she doesn’t fit a certain standard. I grew 2 human beings inside my body, I had 2 very long, hard labors and I gave birth to 2 perfect children. My body isn’t “ideal” but it’s amazing! It did things I never knew it was capable of doing and that’s pretty badass. 

Stop targeting mothers. Women are incredible, our bodies are powerful and when we choose to spend our first years in motherhood tending to our children, raising GOOD humans and putting them before ourselves, that doesn’t mean we let ourselves go… that means our children’s needs come before our own.

This season is so short. Babies don’t stay. They will grow fast. When that happens, I’ll have all the time in the world to work on myself, but for now.. I’m a mom first and I don’t need your ideas on beauty to feel accomplished or satisfied with my life… And I certainly don’t need to go under the knife. 

Stop trying to make mothers feel ashamed of their bodies, stop shaming women because they’re not a certain size or they have stretch marks, stop making women feel like they’re no longer sexy because their breasts aren’t as tight and lifted as they used to be, stop making women feel like they need to hide their bodies away from people, stop making women ashamed to wear a swim suit in fear of being mocked or laughed at, stop making women feel like they need to be “fixed” because they had children. 
The only thing that needs to be “fixed” is the expectations that are being placed on motherhood and women to satisfy the needs of our corrupt society. 

Sincerely, 

A woman who’s had 2 kids and is proud of her what her body has done. 

When you’re done having babies: All the emotions that come with it.

This topic pulls at my heart strings… It makes me emotional and at peace all at the same time.

You hear it in the midst of a toddler breakdown, after a long sleepless night, when nothing you do makes them happy… there at the end of all of it is a frustrated, tired and overworked mother who says “I’m never having another kid!” I know, because I’ve been THAT mother. A lot.

But what happens when it’s not just frustration and sleep deprivation talking? What about when it’s the truth… When you know you really just are done having babies. Lots of emotions, that’s what happens.

Jon and I have talked seriously about our sweet Avery being our last child. How now that we have our boy and our girl, we might could be done and be okay with it. How we now can just sit back and raise our kids and watch them grow into wonderful, God fearing adults. How financially we won’t be as stretched as we would be if we were to have more. How we feel perfectly balanced. But even so… Am I really ready to never have another baby? It’s a harder decision than I thought it would be.

“Am I really done”? I find myself saying this a lot… At 25 years old am I ready to make that decision? Am I done feeling little kicks in my belly? Am I done giving birth? Am I done holding a tiny newborn for the first time and examining their little face and counting their fingers and toes? Am I done taking in their scent for the first time? Am I done seeing God’s glory through the face of an infant? Am I done seeing those first steps and hearing those first words? Will I never breastfeed again? I really don’t have a definite answer for that.

Sometimes I look at my family and when we are all together I feel complete, like I have everyone I’m supposed to… Other times I think “yeah, I could probably have one more” It’s such a hard choice to make.

As of right now, in this very place in our lives… we consider ourselves “done” and truthfully I am okay with that decision. I’m at peace with it. We have two beautiful, healthy children, exactly what we prayed and hoped for. Our boy and our girl… If that’s all we ever have, I’ll know that was God’s plan for our family.

But I’m a woman… I’m entitled to change my mind if I want to, right? That’s my prerogative 😉

 

 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going?

Marriage. 
Oh man… In the almost 8 years Jon and I have been together, I have to say the 4 years (in January) that we’ve been married have been the most bitter sweet. Marriage is exciting, it’s fun, it’s rewarding and it’s beautiful. Marriage is also a full time commitment, hard work, being annoyed with each other, hurting each other’s feelings, saying things you don’t mean and wanting to walk away sometimes but you love them too much to be without them. Marriage is love. It’s joy. It’s tears. It’s never ending apologies, it’s accepting the other person in all of their mistakes and in their raw, true form. It’s watching them puke their guts up and not losing your attraction to them. It’s smelling their morning breath and still kissing them anyway. It’s having a stomach bug and figuring out that yes, your spouse does actually “do that” too. It’s watching your wife give birth to your children and while she’s in her most “unpretty” state  telling her how beautiful and strong she is. It’s discovering the true person they become when they lack sleep after being up all night with the kids, haven’t showered in days and smell like baby puke. It’s finding out how loyal they are during the tough times, during the times when your bank account is negative, during the times when the “honeymoon” is over. Marriage. It’s the ultimate sacrifice of ones selfish needs, the ultimate commitment…. Or so it should be. 

1 out of every 3 marriages these days end in divorce. 1 out of every 3. I’m not an expert on marriage, far from it actually but that number is terrifying. Let me just say before anyone gets offended who has been divorced… I completely understand in some situations, you either don’t have a choice in the matter or the marriage truly is a toxic situation, I won’t speak for those marriages. Here’s the thing though… The leading cause of divorce these days is “irreconcilable differences” that’s interesting to me… And sad. As if a marriage was supposed to be two people who agree with each other all the time, everyday, about every subject. As if a marriage isn’t just 2 imperfect people who are allowed to have their own ideas about things. 

Something I keep noticing, mainly on social media… How many people are leaving their spouse or considering leaving their spouse due to them just “not being happy anymore”… Their spouse no longer makes them happy. This one boils my blood more than anything I think. YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT SOLELY RESPOSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. Happiness must first start with you. In the selfish society we live in today with everyone’s sense of entitlement, “it’s all about me”, “what can he/she do for me”? “What can I get out of this”? “He/she isn’t making ME happy anymore so I better move on to someone who can, until I’m bored with them too”. Happiness comes from within yourself. Happiness is a choice; a choice that must first start with you. 

Marriage is not always happiness… Marriage is not black and white, there’s a whole lot of gray area in between. It’s the work you put into the marriage that builds an empire. Nowadays people want a quick fix, they don’t want to work for anything… It’s easier to try to find greener grass rather than water the grass you already have. 

My marriage hasn’t been perfect. Neither Jon nor myself are perfect people, we fail each other often, we make mistakes, we say things we don’t mean, we argue, we don’t always communicate well, we get bored and comforable, we get grumpy, we don’t always “chose our battles” wisely, our marriage often takes the punch when we are stressed out and need someone to blame… But our marriage is ours. It’s a commitment we made to one another, it’s a choice to love even when we don’t want to, it’s choosing happiness over anger, it’s constantly giving when sometimes we just want to take, it’s selflessness, it’s understanding it’s not all about you, it’s making each other laugh, it’s laying next to them at night not being able to imagine laying next to anyone else. It’s a covenant we made before God and a promise we made to each other to love fiercely and endlessly for better or for worse, to love each other through all the gray area’s when our marriage seems to hit a plateau. It’s saying “I’m sorry” a lot, it’s recognizing we are not perfect and it’s not ones job to cater to the other, it’s never walking in front of or behind but walking beside each other, it’s understanding it will never be perfect, It’s giving our marriage to God and putting him  first, it’s giving A LOT of grace… It’s having a partner and a best friend for life. Marriage can be beautiful and one of the most rewarding things in your life, if you allow it to be. 

The most beautiful and strongest trees in the world don’t ever grow overnight… They’re often the ones that take the most time ❤️

The meaning behind the semicolon(;)

Anxiety.

Maybe you’ve seen all this stuff floating around about the semicolon movement. Perhaps you don’t know what all the fuss is about over it… Maybe you think people drawing a semicolon on themselves or tattooing it on themselves is another ridiculous fad and you roll your eyes at the immaturity of it. Maybe you really don’t understand the significance.

There’s a movement that has been started that is shedding light on the severity and intense effects that living with anxiety disorder has on people. It’s called the “semicolon movement” this isn’t a fad, this isn’t some ridiculous thing that is meaningless and it’s certainly not immature. Anxiety disorder is very serious, yet so many who suffer with it, suffer in silence. Why you ask? Out of fear that it may show weakness.. As if someone who just feels completely consumed by fear and worry for reasons that they can’t even explain is a weak minded person or just a simple hypochondriac. This could not be the furthest thing from the truth. Anxiety is a disorder, it’s an imbalance and it’s not something someone can simply “turn off”. A panic attack or anxiety attack that strikes you so hard your body starts shaking uncontrollably, your heart is pounding out of your chest, sweat is pouring from your neck, your mouth goes dry, your hands go numb, your stomach is nauseous and you feel completely out of control of the feelings pouring out of you and the thoughts racing through your mind… These things are not made up, they are not weakness and they are not just your typical “being stressed out”… anxiety is all consuming. Everyone suffers from worry, doubt and fear. Everyone stresses out and may have random panic attacks every so often. That’s human nature. But not everyone suffers from true anxiety disorder and I think that’s important to point out. I think that’s why we’ve gotten to this place in our society where an anxious person is just another “worried” or “stressed” person. The truly anxiety-filled person has been grouped together with everyone else who just stresses out sometimes and worries about stuff occasionally. Thus, the severity of anxiety and its potential effects have been put on the back burner and have become something no one wants to help or be around. Our society has become so unbelievably selfish that instead of helping and supporting someone who desperately needs it people just decide they don’t want to be around the “negative” person. Let me be clear… Anxiety is NOT normal worry, it is NOT normal stress, it is NOT a choice and it is definitely NOT being a hypochondriac. It’s a constant fear, worry, questioning, uneasiness, being unsure, insecure, terrifying, lonely, completely consuming, sick, dark and drowning disorder. It’s life altering and to be honest it.really.freaking.sucks.

Not all anxiety is the same. It’s very personal to each who suffers from it. Everyone seems to have a different trigger.

I’ve never publicly shared my struggle, until now. I think it’s important to read for those who may not see an end in sight. It’s important to know that anxiety can be manageable and it can get better.

I have suffered from severe anxiety since I was 13 years old. It’s not something I’ve ever been to fond of sharing with people… it shows weakness, remember? Or so I thought. I’ve built friendships and relationships with people who never even knew I struggled with anxiety. I’ve dealt with full blown anxiety attacks by myself out of fear of the ones I loved thinking I was extremely psychotic. Anxiety gets into your head, it puts thoughts into your mind you never knew could exist and makes you feel ABSOLUTELY INSANE. You’re having all these thoughts and feelings and you’re scared, worried and nervous and you don’t even know why or how to stop it. You feel totally out of control of your own mind. It’s exhausting.

The person who has been with me through it all, my entire life is my angel of a mother. She’s been there since I was 13 years old and terrified to leave her side, terrified to be at school without her, terried I would lose her, terrified to go to sleep because I would be alone, terrified to be sick.

My trigger started as sickness.
Sounds crazy right?

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 13 years old. My mom was and is my very best friend. The most influential, incredible woman in my life and at 13 years old I was faced with the realization that I might lose her. I saw her when she got the phone call confirming cancer, I saw her sick, I saw her throwing her guts up from chemotherapy, I saw her lose her hair, I watched her lay in bed pale as a ghost, I saw her cry, I saw her sitting in that chair getting chemo pumped into her body, I saw her unable to eat anything but ice cream and root beer. I saw this strong, healthy, beautiful woman I had always known become fragile. If I was sick, my mom wasn’t supposed to take care of me because she couldn’t be around sickness. I took care of her, I made sure she was comfortable and I made sure she laughed and smiled, I laid in bed and cuddled with her. I begged her to take me out of school just so I could be with her every single day, I begged her to let me shave my head so she wasn’t alone wearing wigs and scarfs on her head. I begged her to be okay and to survive. On the inside, at 13 years old I was absolutely freaking terrified.

I’m not blaming my mothers cancer on causing me so much stress that it gave me anxiety, not at all. But I do know something changed in my brain during all of it. That’s a pretty tragic thing for a 13 year old little girl who was attached to her mama’s hip to go through. I started associating all sickness with cancer, I knew cancer could potentially mean death.. Meaning I began to associate all sickness to death. This is where I believe it started.

Since then, my mom has been by my side, helping me every step of the way. She would sleep with me when I was little so I could actually sleep, she would stay up all night with me watching tv just to calm my nerves. She would pace the room with me holding a cold washcloth on my neck until my anxiety attack would pass. She would speak encouragement into me when I felt so lost and confused. She would bring me back to earth, every single time… And she still does. My mom is the only one who has witnessed how truly ugly and raw it can be. She’s seen me at my worst. She understand my worst. I still to this day pick up the phone to call her when I feel an anxiety attack starting.. And just like she always has, she begins to speak life into me again. Her gentle voice, her kind words, her reassurance, her belief in me… It brings me back to earth every single time. When I feel like I belong in a mental home, she makes me feel sane again and I am so unbelievably thankful for that. My anxiety became more than sickness, it became everything. Everything made me anxious, everything would stress me out and feel out of control but as I got older I learned how to better deal with it and I learned how to control it. I stopped having attacks all the time and I wasn’t so consumed by it anymore. I learned how to talk myself down from it. I learned how to cope with it and how to handle it, I learned how to live with it.

At 25 years old, I still suffer from anxiety. Every single day. After Avery was born it came back strong, rearing its ugly head. I’ve since had to learn how to manage it again and how to put a lid on it. It’s cost me friendships with people who don’t truly understand it and it’s caused insecurity inside of me, anger and bitterness. It has affected my marriage at times… I’ve lashed out at my husband, I’ve blamed him, I’ve caused arguments and strife due to it. I’m so unbelievably blessed with a husband who loves me unconditionally in all of my ways. Who hugs me and kisses me and accepts my apologies, who tells me I’m not crazy, who makes me feel safe, who doesn’t leave me, who takes the good with the bad, for better or for worse. God made him for me, made him capable of loving someone like me and I’m so blessed and thankful to have have him.

I used to question God’s reason for allowing me to suffer with anxiety, why he can’t just take it away from me, why I can’t seem to shake it. But then I discovered his purpose. God will allow us to fall to our knees so we have nowhere else to look to but up to him. I’ve prayed more, I’ve turned to God more now in my life than I ever have. I need him more now than I ever have, I trust him more now than I ever have. I find so much peace in prayer and knowing that with Jesus Christ, I will never suffer alone. Prayer covers a multitude of worries and fears and his purpose was to draw me closer to him. His purpose was to use this so that I may glorify him. I’ve never been closer in my relationship with the Lord than I am now.. And for that, I’m thankful.

Anxiety is real. It’s terrifying and it’s not talked about or supported the way it should be. Maybe if people would start to listen and start to help those who cry out for it rather than label them weak minded or just a hypochondriac, people could better conquer and defeat anxiety and depression.

That’s the point of the semicolon movement… A semicolon represents a place in a sentence where you could could choose to stop and put a period but instead you choose to keep going(;) you decide this is not how your story will end.

If you know someone who struggles with anxiety… Be a friend, be a support team, be a shoulder, listen and don’t run away from them when they need you the most. When everyone else runs from the “negative person” you be the one who stays. YOU will be the one who helps them and you will be the one they’ll remember❤️

What they don’t tell you before you become a Mom.

The amount of criticism you will suddenly receive.

Ahhh yes, the “Mommy Wars”…  We’ve heard them, we’ve fallen victim to them and chances are, we’ve probably started them ourselves at one point or another even if it was unintentional. There seems to be a couple different ways “mom wars” tend to take place. Some people fall in one catagory mostly, then there are some who kind of fit into all of them a little bit. Let me be clear before starting this… There’s a very fine line between being passionate about something and being judgmental about it. You can be passionate without being hateful and critical. You can be passionate without making another woman feel bad and you can be passionate but still be supportive of something different.

At 22 years old, I had my first child. Not only me but several of my friends were becoming first time mom’s as well. I truthfully feel like the war begins as soon as the test reads “pregnant”. The battle begins with who can gain the least amount of weight, who eats healthier, who follows all the “pregnancy rules”, who has the easiest pregnancy with no problems at all, who never gets sick and what kind of birth you will have (we’ll get to that one later) Before our baby is even earthside we are already placing a set of expectations on ourselves and our unborn child to be better than anyone else. Then after we have our children… the desire to be better really rears its ugly head.

Friendships sometimes get tested by having a baby at the same time as eachother… As sad as that is some will find themselves constantly in comparison with their friends’ babies and if not comparison than competition. Everyone’s baby is the most perfect baby to ever live, the most beautiful girl, the most handsome boy etc. the list goes on. As parents it’s normal to think your baby/child is the most absolute perfect one to ever exist. It’s okay to think those things about your kid. In fact, I personally would find it strange if a mom didn’t compliment her child in those ways. The thing is, every child is perfect! Perfect in their parents’ eyes and perfect in their own individual way! No one child will do everything at the same time and speed as another and that’s okay! Children are individuals just like we are. Some kids are better at some things than other’s, some kids are taller, some can talk better, some are more bratty than others, some are happier but they are all perfect! The problem starts when a mom makes another child seem inadequate to hers… a child should never be made to feel like they’re not as good as another. That’s petty and hateful. The only person you should ever compare your child to is themselves. So there’s that one.. the “my child is smarter, taller, better looking, happier, more advanced, weighs more, sleeps through the night, can say the whole alphabet” type of mom war. While being proud is COMPELTELY acceptable and of course you should be proud of your children, you should never use their accomplishments to make another child feel inadequate. Truthfully, from my own experience I have noticed this type wayyyy more among first time moms, myself included.

Now we move on to bigger more arguementative types of the wars. The battle of “The choices I make, make me a better mother than you if you do it differently”

Breastfeeding/Formula feeding, Co-sleeping/Crib sleeping, Cloth diapers/Disposable diapers, Baby wearing/Using a stroller, Working outside of the home/Stay at home moms, Pro-Vaccine/Anti-Vaccine, Circumcised/Intact, Organic food/Regular food, Medicinal/Homeopathic, Vaginal birth/Cesarean, Natural birth/Epidural… Okay, so here’s where i’ve been guilty. Remember that fine line between passionate and judgmental I was talking about? It took me a little while to find that line.. but I did. Here’s the thing.. yes, some of these things are scientifically proven to be better than the other but does that mean the mothers who do it the other way are not amazing, wonderful mothers who love their children unconditonally? Absolutely not. Some of these things are a “the better you know, the better you do” type situation and some things are a “the better you know, the better you TRY to do things but it just doesn’t work out” type situations. Sometimes a mother is uneducated about things so they don’t know better, as moms it’s our job to inform and educate them in a friendly, loving way rather than attack them and make them feel badly about themselves. Then there are some women who ARE informed and do know the “better” way but still choose to do it differently and that’s okay too! So long as it’s not endangering their child. What works for some may not work for another and it’s no one else’s job to determain that but the mother herself. This is the type that I, myself have fallen victim to and I’ve also been the one doing the judging. I’m not going into detail about all of the above debates, I think we probably all have heard them and know which side of the fence we personally stand on. To ridicule a woman’s character and the type of mother she is based off of which way she chooses to feed, sleep, clothe, raise or birth her child is despicable and spews hate.

As women, we need to encourage and empower one another daily! Constantly lift up each other and love each other. Being a mother is hard enough on it’s own without all the added pressure of someone judging and criticsizing you. We need to be a foundation for one another and a platform of supportive information for eachother. It’s okay to have a preference, it’s okay to do what works for your family, it’s okay to do it differently and it’s okay to be comfortable with your choices, as long as they’re educated ones that don’t compromise the safety of your child.

As someone who is pursuing a career as a Midwife I do have preferences when it comes to some of these things and I do try to push awareness and information so that others can be better educated on them as well. I do my best not to be hateful while discussing my beliefs, though i’m sure it doesn’t always come across that way and if not, i’m truly sorry. My main purpose for pursuing midwifery (aside from the obvious natural birth perspective) is to empower women, to lift women up during pregnancy, birth and motherhood, to earn their trust and to never violate that trust. To support them in the choices they make and never critisize them. That is my ultimate goal.

I hope for a future where women support instead of tear down, encourage instead of discourage, love instead of judge, show compassion instead of hate, lift each other up instead of compete and are joyful rather than making comparisons. The day that happens will be the day that we have an empire of strong, courageous women raising strong, courageous children that will go on and do the same for their kids. This is what we need. I hope one day the bashing and judgments will end but until then just keep doing what you feel is best and be the best mom you can be for your kids… Afterall, they’re not going to care about how they ate, how they slept, how they were born or how quickly they were walking and talking. They’re going to remember the amount of love and support they were given from their parents. That’s really what matters.

Let’s talk reflux…

I’m just gonna start by saying… IT SUCKS!

It sucks for the baby, it sucks for the parents and it just really SUCKS in general.

I never dealt with reflux with Landon. He would spit up but it was always normal, he would fuss but it was always normal and he would wake up frequently but again, always normal. I never really imagined what it would be like to have a “high needs” baby.. that’s what they call it anyway. Let me just say, Avery doesn’t deal with mild reflux like most babies, hers is severe. At almost 5 months we are JUST now starting to see some relief in her level of discomfort from it but the vomiting?! That’s worse than ever. At just 2 weeks old Avery started projectile vomiting my breast milk, every single feeding. I blamed myself and my diet… there had to be something I was eating that caused this. I removed all dairy and most soy (all of it to my knowledge) almost 2 months later there was no change in her behavior except for it was worsening. Now she was not only vomiting, she was arching her back in pain and screaming to get off of my breast… so then we tried pumped breast milk in bottles.. no change. At this point she was losing weight significantly… almost 2 pounds she had lost. That’s when I decided to try formula. This was by far one of the hardest decisions I had to make, I beat myself up so much over it and I cried a lot. My breastfeeding journey with Landon ended so soon and I regretted it… I wanted nothing more than to successfully breastfeed Avery so I continued to pump while supplementing. We tried every formula on the shelf all the way up to prescription. Nothing was helping my baby. Discouragement hit me. Her pediatrician kept writing it off as some mild reflux and that her behavior was normal issues but I knew better. I’m NOT a first time mom and I know something is different with my baby! Nothing really irritates me more than when people act as if I don’t know what I’m talking about or doing when it comes to my kids. Sure, i’m not an expert… none of us really are but i’m also not a rookie. At this point advice starting pouring in from people about how to “fix” my baby, while I appreciated all the advice I really had tried everything possible at this point and really only wanted prayers. At her 4 month well check her pediatrician finally noticed what I had been saying the entire time. Avery’s weight pattern was continuing to fluctuate with really no gain and she threw up massive amounts of milk all over the floor. Then she decided it was time for an upper GI test. Her GI results came back showing severe acid reflux. We had already tried Zantac with her and it wasn’t making a difference so I was basically told we would just have to ride it out and let her grow out of it. While I do understand there are stronger medicines out there for reflux that I could give to her, I feel like we may be on the upper end of this battle. Her fussiness has gotten better and she doesn’t act like she is in pain while eating anymore. We’re still dealing with the throwing up but medicine wouldn’t fix that anyway. It’s been a really tough road for her and for us. Many hours of the day have been spent holding her and me crying the whole time with her. There have been several times i’ve had to lay her down and walk outside just to breathe and get some fresh air. There have been many nights i’ve hit my knees in prayer begging God to make her feel better and to help us get through this. I’ve prayed for healing for her and patience for me. It’s something that I would absolutely NEVER wish onto anybody. Not being able to “fix” your baby’s hurt is the most helpless and awful feeling in the world. We’re still fighting sleep issues because she wakes up throwing or coughing or gagging on the acid… then getting her back to sleep is not the easiest task. I know there is a lesson in this and God is teaching me patience in a way I didn’t know I was capable of. When this is all over with i’ll probably have the patience of Job! HA! Avery requires a side of mothering and nurturing from me that I never knew I had inside of me and sometimes the frustration of it weighs heavy on me and we sit and cry together. I know she will grow up and as she grows… this awful, horrible reflux will end. I’ll look back on it all and i’ll be thankful for what it taught me and for how much better, stronger and more patient of a mother it made me.

Love your babies, hold them, rock them, cry with them if you have to, hurt with them, kiss them, let them know you will always be there. They really are your biggest fan.

Will I ever sleep again?

Last night, just like every other night for the past 2 weeks or so both my (almost) 3 year old and my 5 month old (today) woke up at the same time ALL NIGHT LONG. Both of my little night owls thought it was time to get up and party I guess. In the midst of trying to bribe Landon to go back to sleep with a promise of ice cream the next day… Avery wakes up cooing and fussing in her bed. This was after she had only been asleep for about an hour and a half and after it taking a good hour and a half to even get her to bed. I put my head in my hands and asked myself “Will I ever get to sleep again?” Discouraged, I kissed Landon goodnight and told him it was bedtime, walked to my room and tended to Avery. She finally fell back asleep while I was feeding her. Afterwards I laid there tired, frustrated and curious as to why all of a sudden my children were plotting against me! Telling myself two kids were plenty and as much as I thought I wanted 3, MAYYBBEEE 2 will suffice! HA! When I finally fell back asleep, I was woken up about 2 hours later… again, by Avery. I knew what she wanted and she wasn’t going to let me get any rest until she got it. She wanted in our bed. I warned ya’ll about the sass in her birth story! HA! I put her in bed with us and to sleep we went. We all woke up this morning and just like every morning, the kids wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for the day… all well rested and acting like little angels. Meanwhile, mama over here comes dragging out of the bedroom looking like she was just run over by a train and maybe came back from the dead! Eyes all black and baggy, hair a mess all over my head, yawning, begging for coffee and smelling like baby puke from Avery spitting up on me while she was in bed with us. How do they do it? Stay up all night and wake up looking and feeling like they slept for days? Maybe because they suck all the energy out of their parents? So now I sit here, drinking my second cup of coffee, Avery is napping peacefully, Landon is watching Ice Age running around like a psycho and i’m struggling to stay awake. Of course, Landon just crawled up beside me gave me a kiss and said “Love you, Mommy” and with that, I forget a little bit about my long, exhausting night and I smile at how much I’m blessed.

Avery’s Birth Story

April 5, 2014… We got a positive!!

This story is a bit different than Landon’s and quite a bit longer and more detailed. I had gotten my mirena IUD removed back in November 2013, we knew we wanted to have another baby and we wanted one soon. So in January 2014 we stopped “preventing” pregnancy. We weren’t necessarily “trying” at that moment but we weren’t stopping it either. The months went on and I was getting my periods as usual. Then around the the middle of March I just had a “feeling” I was pregnant, so I tested. It was negative and honestly I felt a sting of disappointment but we weren’t in any hurry. So the next week I started having the symptoms that I remembered all too well when I was pregnant with Landon, so I tested again… and again, negative. Then the first week of April rolled around and I honestly felt like crap! I assumed it was because my period was due that next week but I tested again… negative. So at this point I felt ridiculous. My best friend’s birthday was that week so we went out for dinner and drinks. That night I got home and I felt awful so I just went to bed. A couple days later, my boobs started hurting underneath my armpits… the only other time this has EVER happened to me in my entire life was when I was pregnant with Landon. I had ONE test left so I took it. PREGNANT!

I KNEW IT!

Jon was at work when I took that test and honestly I was happy he was. He was so ready and excited to have another baby I wanted to surprise him! It took me 3 days to tell him after I found out! HA! I probably should add we were sorta irritated with each other the day I found out soooo that could have something to do with me waiting also! HA! So I went to the store and got a cute shirt to put on Landon that said “Hey daddy! Guess what… I’m gonna be a big brother” I had Landon dressed in it when Jon walked in the door from work. Of course, he didn’t even notice the shirt so I started dropping hints. “Hey babe, did you see Landon’s new shirt? Isn’t it cute?” “Did you read what it says” Finally he picked up Landon and read the words out loud. His face completely lit up and the biggest smile spread across his face… all he could say was “Are you serious?!” We wanted to do things a bit differently than we did with Landon.. we didn’t announce his pregnancy until I was almost halfway through it. I didn’t want to wait that long with this baby! I also knew EXACTLY what I wanted with this pregnancy! I immediately told my best friend the news and a few other friends and family members. Everyone was pretty excited for me. But the biggest shocker?! I got a phone call a couple days later from my best friend of 8 years and guess what?! She was pregnant, too!!! WHATTTT?! Saying I was excited is an understatement! We would be having babies at the same time!

My Pregnancy

That next Monday, I called Central Texas Birth Center as I knew I was going to have this baby the way I had always wanted, the way I wasn’t able to with Landon! With a Midwife! I toured the center that next thursday and met with one of the midwives, Heather and the student midwife, Randi. I immediately knew from the moment we left the birth center THAT is where I would be having my baby. I was in love. I went ahead and set up my first appointment. I could not wait until my first appointment, I was so excited to start this journey About a month later we would get some more exciting news! My brother and sister in law were pregnant, too!! I was soo unbelievably happy for them! She, too would be having her baby at CTBC! It was so exciting! The months went on and my pregnancy was going great health wise! I was already SOOO sick but my health was perfect! No high blood pressure at all and I loved my midwives, Salli and Randi! I was just so happy about everything! I could already tell such a difference in my prenatal appointments with my midwives vs. my ObGyn with Landon. The appointments were an hour long and they were so personable, they took time to really talk to me and get to know me on a personal level as well as my family. It was the beginning of an incredible friendship with them all, I felt like I was part of a family. Then the time came to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl! From the time my test read positive I began praying rigorously for a baby girl! I already had my perfect boy, now I wanted my girl! Is it possible someone could get their children the exact way they always prayed for? It absolutely was. We were having a girl! We were ecstatic! I have to be honest when I say, I knew the entire time it was a girl. Call it “mothers intuition” if you want but my pregnancy was already so different than it was with Landon, I was so sick! The throwing up was awful! Never once did I get sick with Landon. I just knew I had a sassy little girl growing in there and boyyyy was I right about the sass! 😉 The months went on and my pregnancy was still going smoothly and my blood pressure was never anything short of PERFECT! My midwives and I came to the conclusion that I had “White coat high blood pressure” with Landon! HA! So as time went on, my belly got bigger and so were my nerves! As I started nearing the end of my pregnancy and closer to giving birth, reality set it! I would be having this baby completely natural! Though I was such an activist in natural birth, I began doubting myself and my ability to do what my body was built to do! I started writing down positive birth affirmations and reading them to myself every day

Her Birth

Saturday, December 13th (Her due date) I woke up around 6am having mild contractions… not thinking anything of it, I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 7:30 to get Jon up for work. I was still having contractions but I insisted that Jon go to work.. I think I was in denial that I may actually be going into labor. The hours passed and my contractions started getting more painful and closer together so I decided to start timing them. When I started noticing a pattern I called Jon and told him to keep his phone on him as this might actually be the real deal! I called my mom and had her come over to stay with me and Landon. By the time she got there around noon I was standing against my bar in my kitchen swaying my hips back and forth to try and ease my contractions. This was definitely the real deal. Around 1pm my contractions were about 7 minutes apart and lasting about 1 minute so I called my midwife. She reassured me that I was in fact in labor and when my contractions were about 3 minutes apart I should head to the Birth Center, so I did. Jon met us there around 3:30pm. I labored there for a long time, my contractions only getting worse and closer together. Hours passed with nothing happening so they checked my dilation… I was only 3cm!! WHATTT?! That wasn’t possible! People walk around 3cm dilated all the time just fine but I was having such intense contractions I couldn’t even talk through them, they required my full attention. We thought maybe it was because I was dehydrated so we ran two bags of fluid through me. That didn’t help at all. With still no relief or progress my midwives decided maybe I should try to labor some at home and see if I could rest easier in my own environment so we went home. About an hour later I decided to take a warm bath… while in the bath my contractions started coming wave upon wave and my body started bearing down to push. I told Jon to call Salli. Back to the birth center we went! The ride back there is such a blur to me… I was fighting the urge to push my baby out the entire trip back. Once there, they checked my dilation again and much to my surprise I was still only 3cm dilated! HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLE?! Discouragement hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to doubt myself and my ability to do this. I told myself I was stupid and that how in the world would I be able to handle this when i’m 10cm dilated if I couldn’t even handle being 3! I secretly begged my mom to take me to the hospital because I NEEDED the pain to stop and she looked me in my face and told me “No. You are a strong, capable woman and you WILL deliver this baby. You CAN and you WILL do this!” Little did I know… my body was going through transition.

I was exhausted, my body was exhausted and I felt completely defeated. I labored for a little while in the birthing pool but found that the toilet was actually my ideal place to labor. It gave me some relief where no where else did. Jon and I were laying in bed together and he was rubbing my back, telling me how brave and strong I was (my back labor was the worst) He encouraged me every single step of the way and never let me give up, not even once. I started calming down and relaxing and I almost felt like I was walking on clouds, it was peaceful. By this time it was early Sunday morning, the sun was starting to come up and Jon asked me if I wanted to watch the sunrise. That sounded amazing but I needed to pee first. I walked to the bathroom, sat down and POP! My water broke! I screamed with excitement for Jon to go get Salli and Randi! By the time they got to the bathroom my body was bearing down HARD and then I felt it… the famous “Ring of fire” I told Randi and Salli “There’s something definitely coming out!” HA! Randi wanted to check to see where her head was so I went and laid down on the bed before she could even check, Avery’s head was crowning! She was coming and coming very fast! I called for my mom who was sleeping in the other room with Landon and by the time my mom got in there her head was completely out! Randi then had me flip over on my hands and knees so I could deliver her shoulders easier… after 2 pushes she was out and into my hands! I caught my baby and brought her immediately to my chest! She was finally here! I can’t really explain the emotions that ran through me at that time. I was flooded with happiness, strength, empowerment, pride, joy, excitement and total unbelief that I had just conquered what was by far the hardest thing I had ever physically and mentally felt in my entire life! All I could say was “I did it!”

My pregnancy and birth experience  with Avery changed me in so many ways. It was beautiful and peaceful throughout it all… It was perfect! I’m convinced my body was in active labor and preparing for birth without actually dilating like normal. I went from 3cm to pushing her out within 10 minutes. My body was definitely doing what it was supposed to just in its own way! My midwives’ patience and support is indescribable. I can never stress enough to people the importance of your birth circle during labor and the incredible benefits of a midwife-led birth. That was by far the MOST empowering moment of my life and I’m so thankful for it.

Landon’s Birth Story

November 7, 2011… The most shocking day of my life, really.

The day started out normal… woke up, got ready for work, drove to work, same as always. I felt pretty nauseous that morning but thought I probably needed to eat. My friend Chelsea came in a couple hours later for me to train her for her new position as store manager! I had found a new job I accepted and she was moving into my position. When she came in she went to get some bagels for us… her’s had egg on it which to me smelt AWFUL.. just added to my nausea but still I didn’t think anything of it. As the day went on I felt much better. After my shift, I decided I wanted to tan before I left to go home.. Oh yeah, I should mention that I was the store manager of a tanning salon! Half way through my tanning session I started feeling like I was about to pass out, I immediately stopped the bed. I knew something was wrong. I had been a devoted “tanner” for 3 years and never had this happened to me. On my 45 minute drive home I started thinking about everything going on with me over that prior week that I hadn’t paid much attention to. I had been taking naps which is not like me at all, I felt nauseated, smells turned me off, I felt overly exhausted, my boobs were sore under my armpits, I was having frequent headaches and now I just had that weird tanning experience… Then it hit me! “AM I PREGNANT?!” I was still a week away from my expected period AND I had been on birth control pills! Was this even possible? So I stopped at Walgreens to buy a test. I got home and immediately wanted to take it but Jon wasn’t home from work and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be without him if I got a positive. So I waited. That night he got home and I told him everything.. by this time I felt silly, like I was overreacting like I had so many times before but I was ready to know for sure. I went to the restroom, opened that little test and I took it. I waited and waited for what felt like forever, my heart was pounding out of my chest and I was so nervous. Finally I got the courage to look down at the test… and there it was… in plain, digital words, the word PREGNANT. I can’t describe my feelings at that time because there was so many! I was nervous, excited, scared, happy, worried about affording a baby and the unknown of pregnancy, childbirth and babies! All of those feelings flooded me at one time and all I could say was “Jonnnnn!!!” he swung open the door and said “No way!” so I handed him the test. That was the day our entire lives would change. Our feelings of worry quickly faded and all we felt was excitement and happiness. I had this beautiful miracle growing inside of me and all I could do was thank the Lord for it every single day. The months went by and my belly started to grow, I started to feel subtle kicks and movements! I was never sick and just overall I felt great! At the time, I had now started to work for a Chiropractor whose wife was an avid believer in natural childbirth and homeopathy. She informed me of so much about it and really opened my eyes to it all. At this point I started researching Midwife-led pregnancy and out of hospital births as this was what I really wanted… Right as I was considering making the switch, something happened. My pregnancy became “high risk” WHATT?! How? I felt great! I had energy, I was active, never sick… this isn’t right. I started developing high blood pressure and I was gaining weight excessively! My high blood pressure became a constant issue at every appointment no matter what I did. I started running the risk of developing preeclampsia, my desire to seek out a midwife had to come to an end (or so I thought at the time) as a midwife will not provide care for a “high risk” pregnancy. So that was that, I would be having a hospital birth. I continued through my pregnancy fine. I never developed preeclampsia, just always had “high blood pressure”. Around 22 weeks, it was time to find out the gender of our baby!! Excitement was an understatement!! I had been praying for a boy since before I was even pregnant. I begged God to give me a little boy. We went in, she laid the US wand on my stomach and there it was! A penis!! HA! To say we were happy is the biggest understatement there is! We cried tears of joy! The months went on and everything was great. Then July 13th I got a phone call from my doctors office. They were calling to set up my induction date. Induction? Why? I didn’t want any interventions and my blood pressure was only slightly high, with NO preeclampsia. why were we going to induce? The nurse didn’t have an answer for me, just that the doctor wanted to induce to avoid my blood pressure going up in the end of my pregnancy (like it normally does) I told her I didn’t want to induce and what was the point in doing so only 5 days before his “due date” again, she didn’t have an answer just that it was “what the doctor wanted to do” so I said, okay. I was set for Tuesday, July 17th. Monday, the day before we would go to the hospital Jon and I were so nervous! We made sure everything was set and ready for Landon’s arrival! I was so nervous about childbirth and being a mother but I was ready!

His Birth 

Tuesday night came around and it was time to go. We arrived at the hospital and got all checked in and set up. They checked my cervix I wasn’t even 1cm dilated and only about 25% effaced. This baby was nowhere near ready to come earthside yet. But we started the process to induce. I was given a vaginal insert to “soften my cervix” that I was to keep in overnight. I couldn’t sleep, I hate hospitals.. the smell gags me. Nerves had me up all night and all I could do was pray for a safe delivery and a healthy baby. That next morning the insert was removed and I was dilated to 1cm (not much progress) and about 30% effaced. They started pitocin. As the day went I began contracting, more and more intense with each passing hour. I kept telling myself I didnt want an epidural, that I was gonna make this as close to the natural birth I wanted but the pitocin induced contractions were getting to be too much for me to deal with and I was exhausted. They checked my cervix and I was at a 6, the same place I had been for hours with no progress so I opted for the epidural. Hopefully now I could relax and let my body dilate, this was my justification for getting the epidural. I was wrong. I still was not progressing. It was around 10pm wednesday night now and I had been stuck at 6-7cm for hours and hours. My nurse came in and she started talking about what I feared the most… A C-Section. I told her through tears that I absolutely did not want that and as long as my baby and I were not in stress that I refused to allow that. She was completely in my corner and supported me 100% (thank God) She told me they were gonna attach an internal monitor to baby to keep an eye on him and that she wanted me to sleep with no interruptions. She gave me ambien and told everyone besides Jon and my mom that they needed to stay out. FINALLY she came to check me around 4am thursday morning and I was dilated to a 10 and my body was beginning to push. I woke up Jon screaming with excitement to go get my mom and my cousin MaKenna!! When they got in the room I started pushing (Annoyed that I was being coached when to push but whatever) and after about 5 pushes and 20 minutes Landon was here!!!! He cried and I lost it. They laid that boy on my chest and my heart no longer belonged to me. He was finally here. 

A little introduction

Hey ya’ll! I just kind of wanted to give you a bit of a background on me. I’m Jessica, i’m 25, a mom of two wonderful children. My son, Landon who is almost 3 (In July) and my daughter, Avery who was born in December 2014. I’m married to my incredible husband, Jon whom I’ve been with since I was 17 years old. I stay home with our kids and literally my day is consumed by them. I don’t necessarily have time for a “hobby” but I do enjoy to write… What better to write about than my kids and my life as a mom, right? I don’t consider myself a “crunchy” mom, I suppose I would say I am a bit “semi-crunchy” I love all things related to motherhood. I’m an avid believer and activist for natural birth (but i’m not annoying about it, I promise) I will be starting courses next year to begin my journey into Midwifery and I could not be anymore excited! I believe in a mothers right to choose how she wants to give birth, no matter how that may be. I do not bash other mom’s for doing something differently than me. I’m a car seat safety activist, I’m pro breastfeeding, pro formula feeding, pro baby wearing, pro stroller use, pro cloth diapering and pro regular diapering. Basically, i’m pro PARENTING! I absolutely love being a mom and encouraging other mom’s who are just trying to do the best they can with what they have. I have strong beliefs on things but I try my best not to be hateful in those beliefs. Here, you will find posts about all of that and more. I keep it real. Enjoy!